myfriendlucy.blogspot.com

I didn't get that other job (possibly due to my full-time student status), but am however waiting to hear back today sometime about another job a applied for. It will run for 5 weeks over the Easter holidays, making life unbelieveably busy, uni a little difficult to manage and sleep minimal, but as per most employment opportunities, it would have considerably attractive financial benefits.

By means of a long story, a friend of a friend is quoted as claiming not to understand how people can be unhappy in this world. That they can't see reason in not being joyous. 

The past couple of weeks have thoroughly disproven this. Not just my soapie-style live (which continues to run at full pace, but i'm sick of updating every drama that defines my existence) but the lives of friends have been filled with so much sadness recently. How can one claim persistant joy at the death of a loved one? Even knowing that that person has returned home to the father (a beautiful thought), there is still a sense of loss, as we grieve the immediate loss of said person, as we realise the inevitable deaths of loved non-christians will not end in this same happy manner.

What a stoopid-head! Life is full of sorrow and burden!! God allows us to grieve what is not right with the world. We don't live in a world that is all good, so it doesn't make sense that we should always be feeling complete joy; where does sin fit into that equation?! Where does heaven fit in? 

*sigh* anyways, back at uni now, which is pretty ok. I am feeling like i want to be finished. Also feeling like i want to be at Bible College. Hopefully, i can go after i finish up here; that's less than 2 years away! I realised the other day that 2007 marks my fourth year out of school, which is really crazy. I had a dream about school friends last night. We were at a party hosted by a Anna-Nicole Smith/Brittney Spears hybrid freak. It was a pretty sucky party, so i left early and drove some other people home too. In another part of the dream, i was like this groupie to this guy. That part was particularly weird, because i was so clingly and pathetic and totally in love with him, just like every other girl in the room, and he paid little attention to me, and i was all like "Check me out - just like a doormat!". I was all very disconcerting, mostly because i am not the type to flirt and fawn over guys i like. Except a bit later in the dream i realised what a doof i was being, and left the groupie sit-in (conveniently situated in an ye olde USA Western-type saloon) which is like me.  Glad to see my dream-self does have some sense. 

On the groupie theme, while living with both my sister recently, i noted one evening that all 3 of us are partial to pretty-boy/alpha male types, HOWEVER we also consider them to generally be idiots and pretty full of themselves and would usually find no problem in expressing said presumtuous snap-judgements! how loving and accepting we are :)

Eeeee! just got call saying that i pretty much got the job! just need to figure out some timetable clashes, but hopefully all should be great!

... i think she's dead!

nope, just developed a life of some degree outside of cyberland: Officially Kids 'n' Youth Church Coordinator. Officially got a sucky special ed type uni timetable. Offically have some sort of problem with my wrists (possibly piano/compy/lappy/crochet related). Officially going for an interview for a job tomorrow (P/T 24 hrs a week! But $$ is so tempting and hours fit in really well with sucky special ed type uni timetable... but also means officially no free time or holidays since will need to take holidays for prac!). business ensues. i fear poor ol' bloggy may not. he has been sufferring for some time now. almost  a month without blog. He shall hibernate in sweet silence til next frustration presents to be vented. 

In the meantime, you should play online yahtzee and/or online monopoly. awexome passtimes for the late-night loner!

i don't know about anyone else, but it feels like my life is persistently stuck in soap opera mode. crisis after crisis permeates my attempts at a pleasant normality. this week 's episode includes a death, my 14 y.o. cousin very suddenly enduring the burden of homelessness and pre-seperation marriage woes of another relative, all mixed together with a cocktail of emtionally and psychologically damaged goods, and not just mine. it's like everything is stuck in the same patterns, and i'm sitting at the sewing machine of life, completely powerless. 

the worst part, as always is that i know how much worser stuff is going on for other people, so what reason do i have to be whinging? i miss friends to talk to about this stuff. i lost them some time ago, not quite sure when, and they seem not to care anymore, or at least too busy to remember me. just to have someone listen would be bliss. utterly self-centred, completely unreasonable, but bliss. 

i hate it when i lose the comfort of god's love. i can feel it's there, i press play on all the bible verse pre-recorded in my head, but for some reason the words are just not quite tangible enough to grasp, i'm almost overcome by the sadness of this world. almost. i do cling to the hope that one tomorrow, soon, it will be easier. and i do know god loves me even when i find it hard to be near him. 

it would be oh-so lovely to have a husband for comfort irght now, but i fear that maybe i would worship him instead of god. turn to him, instead of god. i couldn't bear that. but still someone to love you unconditionally would be nice. someone to come home to. someone who loves me enough not just to spend an afternoon with me, but chooses to spend the rest of his life with me, and only me. that is an incredible gift from god. as a single person, sometimes i think that maybe i really can handle the bit about being alone for the rest of my life, although sometimes it's hardest in teh right now. i hate the lonliness. lonliness that leads to moments when i get so wrapped up in myself i forget to watch myself objectively, and slowly but surely, in my infitite subjectivity start to wriggle out of god's tight grasp.

i don't understand what his plan for my life is. time has started to become meaningless. i feel so higgledy-piggledy and all over the place.

I HATE BIRDS!!! Was taking a small break outside, eating sandwhich and this huge magpie progress slowly towards me until he was no more than 2m away, eyeing off my lunch, looking ready to swoop and pluck precious sustenance from my very hands!!! luckily i was resourceful enough to jerk my legs around until he scuttled away, only to return moments later!!! so i left.... I HATE BIRDS!!!!!

y'know those days-slash-weeks when doing uni work is a torturous agony... and you have a 20% finished assignment due tomorrow.... and all you want to do is practise singing.... or look for possible songs to add to the possible track-list for the non-existent solo CD you maybe one day hope to make... or maybe try and figure out what the song stuck in your head is (Without You, Brooke Fraser) and then try and figure out how to get it out of your head so you can get on with the stupid assignment.... and then your eyes don't want to focus, let alone your brain.... and maybe you should just check your email account again to see if anyone loves you... yeah. procrastination in the umpteenth degree. one week and 2 days. one week and 2 days.

I fear this is going to be another one of those much ado about not much posts... sorry. 

Yesterday (Monday) was pretty weird as far as normal days go these days. I got to uni about 8am (after dropping sister at school for extension english) and commenced finishing a group assignment due that day. The assignment was basically a school curriculum program for 5 weeks. like EVERY lesson for 5 weeks... 90 pages in total!! Anyway, I proceeded to work on said assignment (with aid of group members from 9:30am) until 4pm (!) without even so much as a toilet break (!!), let alone a lunch break (!!!) so it ended up that when i arrived home at 4:38pm, all i had eaten that day included: 2 pieces of toast with tomoato and a small latte for breakfast and a small apple juice on the way home. seriously that's it, and i wasn't even feeling hungry or light headed on the way home. then i went to tutoring, which was pretty good considering how tired i was, and then came home for like 10mins and then went swimming with Merran. Then i got petrol and came home and it was like 8pm, and i was like woah! i've had 2 pieces of toast with tomoato and a small latte for breakfast and a small apple juice in 13 hours, plus done rigourous exercise and i'm still feeling pretty good! What is up with my body atm?!? Then i had dinner and felt better. Then i watched Grey's Anatomy, which i really should stop watching because i ahte the protagonist (Meredith) and most of the other characters really bug me, and the story line is pretty predictable (i said he would die!!). The we watched the biggest loser, which totally motivates me to lose weight in a lame-o commerical way. Then i went to bed (it was pretty clsoe to 11). Then i played on lappy for a while because i wasn't sleepy yet, and i listened to Claire de Lune, which is beautiful and lovely, like 6 or 7 times. Then i tried to sleep (12ish) but couldn't, so i got up again at 1-ish and ransacked my wardrobe for items i can sell on ebay. quite a productive exercise in the end, and will hopefully make some good christmas present spending money! so then i went back to bed and tried to sleep (like 2am) and had better luck (although it took a while still). Then I woke up (seriously) at 6:30 this morning and mucked around doing goodness knows what and drove ellie to school again and am back at uni at 8am. except this time no breakfast, mostly because i am eerily not hungry, which really freaks me out because i am ususally pretty dilligent when it comes to ahving breakfast because it's so important...

anyway not feel so great on top of not hungry, got an ear ache and a head ache and am really tired. i might skip HSIE this afternoon and come home early to have a nap before tutoring (Postponed from yesterday because of monsterous assignment work). what a terrible post. sorry.

it dawned on me quite suddenly how subtly my relationships shift around. all of a sudden i realise that somethings not quite right, that joke's not quite as funny, i'm a month behind on recent events in the life of ....., there are new nuances (and occaisionally annoyances) that don't quite fit the mould of my friend, and i can't remember the last time i actually spoke to...... It's not so much that we've grown apart, just that we've been apart and both grown a little bit without the other person. it seems to be happening a lot lately. i'm not sure if this is due to a major failing on my part, or just human nature, part of growing up, etc etc etc.

It makes me sad when people i used to be so good friends with (at least i thought) don't seem to have such a high value on our friendship. i think i tend to over-invest, which generally only leads to unpleasant things. 

(don't take this personally, it's not directed at you!) 

whenever i'm down i seem to not only become more self-absorbed, but much more aware of how self-absorbed i am. it makes me sick sometimes to think how selfish i can be, with my immature angst and over-dramatisation. things probably aren't as bad as i convince myself they are, and yet i end up sucked into a black hole of worst case scenarios and a big fat list of all my failings paraded before me, penetrating my heart and my mind, until i can't tell the good from the sin and i stumble in the darkness until...

it's so hard to convince myself that the world isn't really about me. especially when it's so comfortable in my deluded fantasy of sitting warm and cosy inside the limelight. i miss heaven, you can just tell it's going to be awexome to the max.

i forgot to say that the highlight of marathon presentation day was being told by two 4th year students about resources that contain "informative information". Ladies and gentlemen, i give you our future teachers.... *applause*

AUGH!!!! So i just wrote a long awexome post and then stoopid lucy pressed one stoopid button and GONE!!! ARGHGHG!! 

Recapping: No Glandular Fever, No thyroid problems, not low iron, not low Vit B12, in fact nothing physically wrong. turns out it was all in my head. certified hypochodriac; it was only a matter of time.

well, technically doc said it was a virus that my body was taking a long time to kick, and in the meantime i should drink sustagen. with skim milk... what the?

In other news, i drew this guy this morning in a creative outburst motivated mainly by intense procrastination and silliness exaserbated (how do you spell that??!) by my sister. As yet he is un-named. So far: Percy, Thaddeus, Aaron. Further suggestions most welcome :o) So here he is. Ta da:

Don't ask me why there are reeds in the middle of a park. There's a lake right there, ok?!?

Supposedly he's all odd-shaped slash fat and EMO and really hot (temperature, not attractiveness) in the last one!

P.S. i was too lazy to take out the black lines. how unprofessional, hey!

So i got a little distracted with the blog updating. Here's some stuff i wanted to say:

- Some boys in my class have decided that i am a changeling. what the...? i had to ask someone well-informed staff members to clear that one up. still not sure if it was intended as a compliment or not...

- there' a sign on the way to school (on an 80 road!!!) that says RODEO... it's just a little bit country....

- this week has been better so far, despite me being sick sick sick and the class being naughty naughty naughty and my head aching and my eyes needing sleep

- realised today that as much as i enjoy teaching, i'm not sure if the classroom is where i want to end up... still a bit confused by that one. maybe i want to be a librarian??

 - hmm.... N-C crushes are the worst!!

only 2 more days

then assignment marathon commences

only 8 more weeks this semester

i need a day (or 5) off

that's all